I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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