Just fell off a train. Bad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
