I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
