I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
