What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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