i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
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He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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