I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
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