Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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