I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
