You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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