My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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