I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
