note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she told me i tasted like america
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
