I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
