Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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