I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
