Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
