just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
