Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
