Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
