i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
