When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
