it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
