he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
