Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
