im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
