A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
