Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
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do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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