I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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