Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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