I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
