If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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