Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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