Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
