Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
