New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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