You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Randomize
