there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We were destined to go to rehab together
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I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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