Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
