either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
