So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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