wanna go halves on a baby?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
