At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
