John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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