and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
