Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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