you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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