In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
