Small penises have feelings too.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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