How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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