did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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