I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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