Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
