I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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