I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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