mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
