Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Holy shit dude........stairs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
