see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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