I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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