Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
