There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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