and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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